28 July 2004---11:59p

I'm so sick. It's gone beyond a cold into flu territory in just one short day. Coughing, sneezing, sore throat, aching muscles, sinus pressure, drainage, upset stomach, inability to function above a 3rd grade level. I can't even believe I'm sitting here typing since driving Pirate to work was much like being drunk and stoned simultaneously. I was hazardous to other drivers, no doubt. I want to be temporarily dead. If I were a character in the game "Oregon Trail", I'm pretty sure I'd be typing up my one line epitaph right now. Now I'm crying.

I can't even take my new bike out for a spin. Pirate pulled one over on me...sneaky sneaky...and bought the EXACT bike that Ahmet Zappa bought for Selma Blair. It's an Electra Betty and it's glossy black with white and pink rimmed tires, pink and silver flames all over the body and detailed into some of the metal, a black and pink seat, wide handle bars with bleck streamers and pink flames, and a black wire basket! I've never been so in love with something in all of my life (besides my wonderful husband who bought it because he loves ME, though I don't know WHY). I don't mean to brag (I did send everyone on the face of this planet pictures of Betty), I'm just really excited, which i haven't been in quite some time. I want nothing more than to take it out on the open road but I can't because I'm too busy sniffing and spewing various liquids out of various holes in my face. Crying again.

The Reverend Horton Heat is playing a Christmas show December 15th at the Beachland Ballroom with Splitlip Rayfield for a mere $5 in advance!! Merry Christmas to me! PLUS...that's 3 measley days before I graduate! That will be a good week, indeed! Now, if you'll excise me, I have some more crying to do.

27 July 2004---10:45a

I built a bookcase with my own 2 hands yesterday. I felt like I had accomplished something.

I had the most vivid dream last night. I was at the hospital getting ready to give birth but my husband was nowhere to be found. I called my mother to let her know that I was getting close and she should porbably come up but they had to ifnish watching a football game first. I was all alone so I decided to just pick out a name by myself since clearly no one was going to be there when my child was born. I was only sifting through girls names. Everything smelled super sterile and I was really unhappy. When I woke up and discovered that I was not "with child", I practically did a jig in my bed!

"Easy Lover" is the best song EVER! God bless Phil Collins and that black man who sang along!

I think I'm getting sick and I'm wigging because I have a lot to do this week (school stuff, house stuff, stuff for the folks, a wedding) and just can't spare the time. My throat is sore and I'm coughing up junk (thick horrible green and chunky junk that didn't not want to come all the way out, causing me almost suffocate in the bathroom...what a way to die!) and I can tell that the sneezing, the most dreaded part, is right around the corner. I really don't want to be sick though I don't think anyone does. I'm getting sad just thinking about it. But thinking about going to Las Vegas in September is making me jolly! Me + Pirate + Swithcblade + Sin City = LOCK UP YOUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS! HERE COMES TROUBLE!

Switchblade and I are barring it up in Lakewood tomorrow. Clear you calendars!

25 July 2004---10:26a

Everybody seems to have a story about losing or injuring a tooth. Maybe that's what bonds us all together. "Bonds".

Batty Batty Two By Four can't get through Paul's bedroom door!

Meghan and I are totally genius and unstoppable. Holy shit.

21 July 2004---7:23p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Nine Pound Hammer "Hayseed Timebomb"

NINE POUND HAMMER and SWINGIN' NECKBREAKERS are playing THE SAME NIGHT at Sleazefest in Chaple Hill, North Carolina in August (Southern Culture on the Skids will be playing the night before). Will I be going? Probably not. Will I cry? Probably. What will I do instead? Probably see Lords of the Highway one night and the Wailin' Elroys the other. I'll never hear "Feelin' Kinda Froggy" live. Major frown.

I have also decided not to go see They Might Be Giants in Pittsburg on Sunday eventhough Pirate said he'd pay for someone to go with me. I don't want anyone to go just because they were paid for. I'm too old for a babysitter. Plus, said person won't have a good time and I'll feel limited some how and the last thing I want to do is have a mediocre time at a They Might Be Giants show. And let's face it, it's just too lonely to drive to and from PA and see a band I love knowing I'm by myself. Call me a puss if you want. Additional frown. Pits.

I HAVE decided to start a record lable that releases only music you can dance to, no matter what genre. Nothing moody or droll. Rockabilly, psychobilly, garage, whatevs. Switch suggested that there should be a lable with no covers or comps. Pftttttttt. That doesn't work for me. It needs a clever name so any suggestions would be appreciated. So would some funding for the first release. I should have a fund raiser. Donations (or a partner) would be appreciated. All loans will be repaid.

21 July 2004---2:07p
Happy Birthday Knife. R.I.P.

Once upon a time, the famous Queen of Columbus came to visit the kingdom of Kent and all it's royal and loyal subjects. The enchanting visit began with a filling feast and an exchange of humorous and erotic tales from both kingdoms over a pitcher of strawberry margaritas (doesn't sound like a royal beverage? Pfffffft). Next, at a local pub, the queens challenged one another to a winner-takes-all tournament of darts, in which the Queen of Kent, after a slow start, cleaned house which she attributes to the alcohol comsumption taking place as an aid. Though the Queen of Kent is now afflicted with "dart arm", she did relish becoming the "Bullseye Warrior". Next, a majority of the royal subjects gathered at the Long Table (which is superior to the Round Table...damn you KING ARTHUR!) in the land of Zephyr, where wine and spirits ran like rain putting some in a quite an entertaining stupor! After nursing morning ailments, the King and Queen of Kent attended a festive brunch with the visiting Queen and then the 2 ladies summed up their visit with a trip to the picture show (fuck jesters and lancing). The Queen of Columbus safely returned home and all was peaceful in both kingdoms.

I am going to host a "Drink and Watch Horror Films" sleepover in honor of Tessa (who has had a rough past few weeks, as we all know) sometime in August so keep your eyes peeled and your calendars cleared. I've never had a par-tay significantly in her honor and I feel that this will be a nice way for us all to get together and have a relaxing and spirited evening. Any suggestions for horror movies that will present ample opportunities for drinking are welcome!! Margaritas and other fancy mixed drinks will be provided. You can't drink/watch-a-movie with beer, pansies.

Now that we're back in reality, I must admit to all (eventhough most people witnessed this) that I smoked 4 cigarettes on Monday. However, I was throughly disappointed in myself which is leading me to believe that I really AM ready to quit. So I started the ban again yesterday and hopefully, I can go longer than 3 weeks this time. I really am ashamed and embarrassed. Smoking is lame and therefore, I am lame...but not for long. On the subject of "quitting", I was also informed that Johnny Switchbalde, after Friday's Grog Shop show (which is going to rule my ass from here to Tucson), is "not going to be drinking (as) much anymore". I don't know why this is but maybe it's for the best, I'm not sure. I am concerned about who will wear a lampshade on their head at parties but he supports me so I'll support him. But I can't give up the few beers I have a month because they bring me joy and I've already significantly cut down since last year. I need at least ONE vice!!

I want lesbian thespians to act like they want me.---B.Lybarger

17 July 2004---12:17p

Bob Carpenter needs to have a black eye at all times. This is a fashion-do!!!

In true Switchblade fashion, he ripped off his shirt and walked topless down a college-town road at 2:00a with a stolen women's sacrf on his head after a beer too many last night. As I drove him home, he questioned WHY he had stolen the scarf (which he did just minutes earlier) and insisted that it MUST be returned. When questioned about why he was topless, he replied that he didn't know but that he felt sexy. That pretty much sums up the evening. That and the fact that Cool Dave's grandfather is supposedly Earnest Grilly of "Grilly's" fame, he broke his neck and lived, and "He'll be back!!!". Oh, and there was a fire. Taco chips stacked in a pile are flammable. And let's not forget seeing Courtney perform "I Need a Hero" from Footloose wearing red cowboy boots. Overall, everythng was confusing but highly entertaining!!

Autographed 8x10 of the lovely Ava Gardner and a moustache-less Charlie Chaplin secured for a mere 6 smackers each. Good deal!

Only a few short days to get through until the Queen comes home to visit from the state capital. This couldn't have come at a better time as I need to de-stressify, major. The forecast has gone from a sunny Monday to a rainy one so I guess we'll have to swap the Zephyr patio for the Loft. I was promised sex talk, beer, and shots and that sounds like a recipe for a dang good time, y'all! But seriously, I didn't realize how much I would miss the Queen and her antics when she relocated and she only visited once (when I was out of my MIND) so I'm really looking forward to this. Everyone is welcome and encouraged to come get liquored up with us. Ain't no party like a Queen B party...

16 July 2004---12:30p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Deelite "World Clique"

"God Bless the Midwest" and "Cleveland is Better Than Your City" are coming to a t-shirt near you!

I had effin' Taco Bell for breakfest. Do you know why? Because I had a hangover and supopsedly nasty fast food is the cure...unless of course the "grade-F beef food" in your taco is pink. PINK! A nice light shade that is befitting of an infant girl's clothing. Then you spit it out (as it also tastes like a iron bar) and eat a caramel apple empanada instead. This is a delicious decision. Let's back up and explore why I have a hangover, shall we? Eventhough I've been getting a hangover whenever I drink recently, whether it be 1 drink or 10, I'm going to attribute this particular hangover to the $1.35 PBRs they serve at Grilly's. Can't beat that with a stick. And the hangover was worth it. I had a rad evening with my fellas, even if Kill the Hippies refused to play "We are the Number Ones". P.S. If you haven't had an empanada from Taco Bell, stop reading this and go get one RIGHT NOW! It's the closest you can get to carnival food without having to deal with vomiting little kids, sawdust filled toys, and the dreaded "carnie".

Nobody looks good in a big sombrero. I get my education from Conan O'Brien.

I want to be Ben Snakepit when I grow up but with less hangovers and bong hits. I want to live in a city where there are rad shows almost every night of the week followed by a party somewhere. I want to relish the few days where I can sit around and do nothing rather than get jazzed about the days where there is FINALLY something to do. But this will be hard to do since there isn't a big city that I can see myself living in to achieve the desired outcome. I hate New York, California is the pits as a whole (and therefore, also the pits when divided into cities), Chicago is too crowded, and I fear Austin would be too damn hot! I guess I'll have to stay in Cleveland, keep being me, and keep going to the random shows and parties that pop up. Cleveland is better than your town, anyway.

I'd say "Have fun in prison, Martha Stewart" but she only got hit with 5 months of "mansion arrest". I hate the judicial branch of the government.

11 July 2004---9:03p
159 days until I graduate and get alcohol poisoning!!

Switchblade informed me that mere minutes after I left, he rolled over and puked on what he THOUGHT was the floor but was ACTUALLY his green hoodie (and the floor). It was a sun-dried tomato disaster. He slept through the night while the puke simmered on the floor. Luckily, the situation was remedied BEFORE I came over to watch movies today. A less lucky situation is when Switchblade, as he told it, may have had some wet gas during the night which stained his underwear in two different spots. You think I'm kidding? I saw the underwear first hand. And the fact that I saw a 25 year old man's poopy undies is pro...sorry. I just got edited by the gestapo that is hovering over my shoulder. And I've just been informed that I'm not allowed to go back and re-edit that sentence when I get home. But if you know...forget it. This is becoming too much physical work.

11 July 2004---2:32a

I had to drive my designated driver home tonight from the 1 year anniversary of the new Grog Shop. How do you like them apples? He was in bad shape, this kid. I realized just exactly how HORRIFIC of shape he was in when he pissed on the knee of his own pants, took them off, sat in the pasinger's seat, and pulled his margarita glass underwear down around his knees as I drove. I never glanced over in his directions after the drawers were dropped but I DO posess peripheral vision and between the easily recognizable definition of "bush" and when he started touching his own junk, well, needless to say, I was disgusted yet slightly entertained.

I finally convinced him to pull up the margarita boxer shorts when he started complaining about not feeling so hot. He offered to pay me $1.00 to drive his car all the way into a parking spot rather than leave it in the middle of the street as I planned. I was also on apartment door unlock patrol because I had a steady hand which would come in handy as the pantsless man didn't want to be spotted by his neighbors. He passed out on his couch with one shoe on and I stole "The Snakpit Book" by Ben Snakepit. I figured I was owed the lend for what I went through tonight. Johnny Switchblade, make a mental note: 6 24oz. PBRs in a 3 hour period is NOT wise!

My "roomie" is not home and there's no e-mail, no note, and no message. Major pet peeve. He's probably drunk in the gutter somewhere.

Brodie "proposed" to Meg-Dog tonight after a conversation about how I am a ULC ordained minister who can perform weddings, funerals, and baptisms (alas, I am not Bris-worthy). So sometime at the end of this summer, a "schmedding"...the Sheetz version of a wedding...will take place in Brodie's back yard with my multitasking duties not only as officient but also as "French Maid-of-Honor", stylist, and invitation maker. I plan on drinking throughout the ceremony and quoting inappropriate versus from the Bible. If man should lay down with a beast as he does with woman than everybody's going straight to HELL! OK, so maybe that's NOT a quote. Regardless, Meghan will be a beautiful blushing virginal bride and Paul will henceforth be refered to as Paul "Brode, P-Hut, Paul Hunter, Pizza Key" Huttner, husband to be. The lovely couple will be registering at Target but I have dibs on the athletic supporter! Stay tuned for updates on the blessed event!

And speaking of weddings, a member of my family sent me some fat cash in honor of the marriage that practically ended TWICE this year. You know, the one that joins me to a man I don't think loves me and me to a man who doesn't think I love him. Having the opportunity and inside track to see if this will be a success or go belly up is probably worth the moo-la. Married people get lonely, did you know that? I certainly didn't. Sigh. Nothing is in reality how it appears on TV. Regardless (again with the regardless), I do love my husband and when I hear sad songs on the radio, I think "What if he died in a horrible welding accident and wasn't sure if his wife (I) ever really loved him or not?" and that makes me vomit up my soup...and I don't like to sacrifice soup. Mush transmission ended.

This Moment in Black History ruled the school tonight but seeing Alicia ruled MORE!

7 July 2004---3:04p
RIP Tessa's Grandma Constance

As my mother says, "It's always something". TMFK's grandmother passed away last night (mere weeks after her pops untimely passing but unlike her father, this was not exactly unexpected). It's been coming for some time now but I know that doesn't make it any easier for anyone concerned. Everyone in that family is in my thoughts and prayers and I will always remember how her Grandmother loved Danish Cream Soda and had an olive green rotary telephone. Calling hours and funeral arrangements to be posted as recieved.

In other less horrific but equally mind-boggling news, I had a telephone interview today for a 9 week temp job at the hospital for the position of secretary for the something-something (organization development maybe?) department (you can see how organized I am) while some broad is on maternity leave. The money and hours are good. I sent my resume to the hospital months ago for some other dopey position. But whatever. I could use some cash. But if they don't call back, I won't be crying in my soup.

Still no word on my camera. Major bummer.

6 July 2004---7:48p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Teen Idols "Full Leather Jacket"

Reasons my Human Sexuality teacher rocks my effin' bobby socks right the Hell off:

1. She cancelled the quiz we were scheduled to have today on paraphilias, pregnany, and childbirth. Whew! I missed the whoel childbirth part because I held Splitlip Rayfrield as a higher priority.
2. She gave us all 100% on this missing quiz because she had to include the points in our final grades.
3. She brought in an ice-cream cake in honor of today being her 30th birthday.
4. She let us out of class 1 hour early (which is RAD considering it's a 4 hour class that makes my ass scream in agony).

I'm not even kidding. The cake had a frog on it.

5 July 2004---10:37a

You know what I did to celebrate this country's independence? I threw up in a plastic bag in my car through North Carolina, Virginia, and West Virginia. I was all emptied out by the time Ohio welcomed me back with it's open and lovin' arms. But that's what I get for drinkin' too many beers and not rejecting a single flask that got shoved in my face. You know what else happens when you don't "Just Say No"? You babble incoherently, you spit insesantly, and you lose your husbands digital camera which had about 60 of the best shots ever taken by an amateur (including 2 preeeemo shots of me with Flathead Mike! ARGH!). Pfffffffft. I'm a big jerk sometimes.

***Just learned that The Spits called their tour off. Eff***

Was it all worth it? You bet your ass it was! Best 4th of July weekend in a long time, even after the cookie-tossing and the blisters on my feet. Heck, I came back ~3 pounds lighter (to find that my handsome hubby had officially moved back in!)!! God bless the following: Heavy Rebel Weekender and the good people of Winston-Salem, my tavel buddy and weekend roomie (and the little sister I never had) JD, Miller Lite, Lords of the Highway and the 7 Shot Screamers ("Hey Ya"), Derek "Elvis Disease", Mr. and Mrs. Rock-n-Roll Purgatory, The Crossland Motel, Frosted Flakes, TBS, Roberta and Mike (and their effed up alcohol/engery drink combo), Ohio, and my husband for not wigging about his camera!

I've got a Cactus Jack shirt with somebody's name on it!

So, I quit smoking. TMFK inspired me. Saturday was my last day. Pirate always said that I may THINK I needed to quit but wouldn't quit until I WANTED to quit. I wanted to quit. I quit. It won't be hard. I don't need to spend money I don't have on cigarettes. That's pretty lame of me. I can't stand how I smell, how my husband smells, how my clothes smell and I don't want cancer and/or mouth wrinkles and/or yellow teeth and/or dark circles under my eyes. So if I ask you for a cigarette, tell me no, call me a retard (you can say, "No, retard!"), and kick me in the shins. You won't have to do it though. It's just a precaution. 1 cigarette is allowed under the circumstamces of death and taxes.

They Might Be Giants new album is a disaster. I don't know how to handle this.

I love you all. I missed various members of my crew painfully while I was away. It's good to be back in this great state. Time to put some plans into effect for THIS weekend. Free This Moment in Black History/Perefct Guy show at the Grog Shop on Saturday. Clean off your roller skates and put those plastic combs in your back pockets, people. Oh, and an extra special thanks to Mr. Loomer for tossing June into the archive. June was a pitiful month. I am glad to see it go and super stoked to spend time with my good pal July, which rolled in just swell if you ask me!

Heading to Mary-Land in August if anyone needs a great escape!! The Stooges will be there!