31 August 2004---10:21a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Misfits "Collection 1 & 2"

I am in a rippin' mood! Is it because this is the last day of August? Is it because I had a great 1st day at school? Is it because I'm going to the 614 for Labor Day? Is it because I'm headed back to Detroit to see a rockin' show on 9/11? Is it because I just learned that I don't have ANY finals the day after the Reverend Horton Heat show? Is it because the parasite episode of Futurama was on last night? Is it because I'm going to buy season 1 of Gilmore Girls on DVD during my break from school? Is it because I got my bangs cut? Is it because I lost 2 pounds in 2 days? WHO KNOWS!?!? I don't know WHY I'm in a pleasant mood but I am going to cherish it for as long as humanly possible. You know that song "Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh, I got a new attitude!!!", well that's me. KISS MY GRITS! On a less enthusiastic note, I can certainly say that my good mood was not caused by the fact that I haven't gotten my period yet after almost bleeding to death!

My grit kissin' mood has lead me to profess my love for the following peeps:
Duckie
Queen B
Switchblade
Meg-Dog
TMFK
Byrne-Burns
Samoan Rob
Little Erin
Mrs. Jen Danzig
Jenna Star
The Knife (RIP)
*Hooty (I love any man who drinks a 40 out of a paper bag).

SPEAKING of the Knife...I met his identical, and I'm sure EVIL as most twins are, twin in my Medical Terminology class! And by "met", I mean that I stared at him in HORROR thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me ("It's like that drug trip in that movie I saw when I was on that drug trip"). Sometimes you see a person and think, wowza, that really looks like *insert name here* but this was like, HOLY HOT DOGS, there's The Knife! I will now be forced to call this person "The Spoon" and if for any reason we talk, which we won't because our interactions will surely make me seem like a NUT BAG, I will call him "Spoony". Did I mention he was wearing a 3-quarter length Dropkick Murphys jersey. WHA??

1234! 1324! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1945: Van Morrison was born.
---1975: Rhinestone Cowboy (Glenn Campbell) was a hit.
---"1234! Rock Facts!" will be continuing throught September as it has expanded my musical brain...which takes up more room in my head than my ACTUAL brain.

29 August 2004---4:14p

First day of my last school semester ever TOMORROW! Taking the most classes I've ever taken in one semester and spent the most on books I've ever spent. Graduation day has been a long time comin' and can't come soon enough (December 18th, mark your calendars). Who's throwing my graduation par-tay?? A pre-graduation celebration will be held at the Reverend Horton Heat show at the Beachland on December 14th...LOCO GRADUATES LIKE A PARTY! OLE!

I've decided to cut some of my "friends" loose and mend some burned bridges with others (by means of gifts). But regardless of how the dynamic in my personal social circle is changing, we must remember the wise, if not plagerized, words of Bender Bending Rodriguez when he met the paralell version of himself in universe B: Make new friends but keep the old...for one is silver and the other gold (insert robotic crying here).

The weekend was the weekend and I plainly don't feel like blathering on and on about it though I will say that some parts were a rockin' and some parts for just lame...no need to elaborate and name names, yadda yadda. I did come to the realization that I'd pay a significant sum, if I HAD a significant sum, to have the singer for Honkeytonk Damnation sing me lullabys at night with his whiskey and/or vodka soaked breath. Sweet drunken honkeytonk lullabys. Maybe then I would be riding the A train!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1958: Michael Jackson is born in Gary, Indiana.
---1966: The Beatles perform their final performance at Candlestick Park in San Francisco.
---I am going to put a lot of 7 pop punk/punk rock 7"s up on eBay as not only do I not currently have a record player, I'm positive I will never listen to them again. The lot includes records by the following bands: Black Flag, Descendents, 2 Riverdales, Bouncing Souls, Queers, and a Dropkick Murphys/Business split.

26 August 2004---1:12p
MUSIC TO BLOG : Dion & the Belmonts "Abraham, Martin & John"

While listening to this song on repeat for about the last hour, I keep telling myself that today COULD be worse. I COULD get assasinated like Abraham, Martin and John...and stupid Bobby Kennedy who just gets pegged at the end of the song out of pity and a need for a finale, I'm sure...and that would probably throw a real wrench into the works. But odds are that I won't be assasinated today but not for lack of trying. So I have no choice but to dwell on the trio of shitty things that have taken place over the past few days and I don't throw the word "shitty" around likely because it lacks aesthetic value.

#1. For a really childish and lame reason, Duckie got the boot from work which was really unthinkable given the current circumstances at said job. Flip flippin' flip effity eff, were our minds blown. That has since been solved (within 10 minutes he had a new job because he has super human powers that blow my mind...but he's since decided to go back to he previous employer as the circumstances were complicated) but that doesn't mean it didn't cause some undude stress to both of us. If I didn't "H8" someone inparticular before, I "H88888888" them now and I have an angry posse sharing mutual feelings behind me.

#2. My computer crashed out of the bright blue sky losing ALL of our photos (sadly, those from Paul's birthday party were not backed up but our second attempt at Vegas photos were), ALL my essays from this semester, over 3000 MP3s that were used almost everyday, not to mention countless programs, projects and what not. Now this machine is running like assssssss and my eyes get watery every 10 minutes or so because I have Road Runner for a reason but team that up with prehistoric technological tendencies and we're all pretty fucked effed. Eff.

#3. My car, along with one of neighbor's, was broken into last night and we not only lost an old MP3 player and portable CD player along with some burned CDs and my cell phone car charger which didn't even WORK, but we lost a brand spankin' NEW MP3 player that we just popped out of the package on SUNDAY! So add that fiasco to the fact that my home owners insurance won't cover the losses because of the $500 deductible, we're just plain effed...and sad.

So it's plain to see that this has been a ROTTEN week for us and I'll feel a little more at ease once this month takes an effin' hike!! And in advance, please forgive me if I'm a little less than friendly and chipper today because things have not been that pleasant around the pen as you can surely tell. Feel free to leave me nice greetings though to hopefully slap this sourpuss to the floor. I promise I will be more jacked up when September comes a callin'!!!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1964: The Supremes top the singles chart for the first time with "Where Did Our Love Go?"
---1987: Sonny Bono announces he is running for mayor of Palm Springs. He wins.
---I think Jello Biafra's album title "I Blow Minds For a Living" is genius.

24 August 2004---3:22p

It's always something. ALWAYS. It is impossible for us to just exist pleasantly without turmoil. So there's currently "a sitch" (and it FINALLY doesn't involve me bieng in trouble but has brought undue confusion and grief to someone I love). Some of you know what it is and some of you don't but I'll aks all of you to cross your fingers that things work out for the best. It's been a stressful few days. I'm thinking of changing my middle name to "Totally Stressed Out", though that would be a mouthful at my graduation ceremony...which has been CONFIRMED for December 18th. But I really shouldn't be foiling the somber mood with a blissful announcement like that. I'm a jerk.

Detroit smells. Detroit is kind of scary. Detroit thinks ham is KING. Detroit likes impossible one way streets. Detroit welcomes you with a drawbridge and ample construction. Detroit likes cars to go FAST! Detroit has homeless men who get into fights with ugly girls in hot rods. Detroit housed one of the best shows I've seen in a LONG time. Detroit is the home to guys who sit shirtless outside of gas stations. Detroit gas station Taco Bells are open late. Detroit doesn't have a large 'billy crowd on Sunday nights. Detroit is lucky to have had us as it's guests.

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1975: Get Down Tonight (KC & the Sunshine Band) was a hit.
---1999: Christina Aguilera releases her self-titled debut with the hit single "Genie in a Bottle".
---A homeless man recently begged me to stop stretching over the truck of my car (I was fixing a Kings of Nuthin' sticker to my window, forcing my backside outward) stating: "Even Ray Charles can see that!!!".

20 August 2004---11:54p

A good looking vagina will be pink rather than the color of roast beef.

Contrary to popular belief, Switchblade and I do NOT sit around in our underwear watching porn. The fact of the matter is that I am fully clothed and he is in his underwear as we watch "Sorority Girls Gone Wild" and "Put Your Pussy Juice In My Face".

I have to wait half an hour until my chicken breast can join my potato.

Switchblade determined I was drunk when I was using my beer bottles to illustrate the plot to 'Alien Vs. Predator'. I won our drinking contest and that's all I care about. He claims he was drinking "responsibly" but that HORSE PUCKEY! And for those of you who want to give me SHIT for my behavior, I'm already an old boring married woman, I need to retain SOME of my youth!!!

I was given a paper towel for clean-up even though I have no intention of masturabting at this very moment. However, I was instructed that THIS is what you DO when watching porn (duh). I thought it was common sense that two good friends do NOT jointly masturbate while watching porn together...it's more for LAFFOS. As a rule of thumb, we should sit as seperate ends of the room pretending there are not humping bodies on the television screen. I guess I was wrong. What do I know about sex?

According to Switchblade, that about does it!!

18 August 2004---11:31a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: The Sharks "Recreational Killer"

I could quite possibly be bleeding to death.

Yesterday morning, 2 weeks before the scheduled visit from My Girl Flo, I noticed that I was "spotting". I didn't think much of it eventhough it had never happened before because it's common in women. A few hours later while admiring TMFK's spring cleaning efforts, I felt an intense cramp and had to make a mad dash to the ladies. So much blood was vacating my body that I could feel color leaving my face. And my black and teal birthday panties from Meg-Dog...RUINED! Le Sigh.

As this continued through the night, the flow was heavier and the pain grew more and more intense. I managed to live through the Lost Sounds show (I could review this but I'm in no mood. I'll just say that they were phenominal live and I take back any bad things I've said about them outside of "Satan Bought Me" being one of the WORST songs), buy a shirt, drop Switchblade off, and motor home before I became a worthless cripple for the rest of the evening. My abdomen was so tender that it felt as if someone had been pounding it for a few hours only to have the Alien escape from within, shocking us all! Last night, the pain was so excruciating that I actually became delusional for a little while.

Today I'm still sporting the soreness which is now reminiscent of carrying 100 pound bags of rice 5 miles on a planet with intense gravity issues which also prevent having a pompador. The bleeding has lessened but not stopped. I'm having trouble making it up and down the stairs as well as keeping my attention focused. It's hard to go from laying to sitting and from sitting to standing and I'm pretty sure that my operating a motor vehical should be off limits until the pain subsides. I'm not sure what's going on in my "oven" but it's spooking both myself and Duckie and creating some hostility since I wouldn't let him take me to the emergency room. The term "bleeding out", which I hear often on ER, keeps popping into my head. It's probably nothing...I hope.

Insert frowns and weeping here.

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1971: John Denver hits #2 with "Take Me Home, Country Road".
---1985: The Power of Love (Huey Lewis & The News) was a hit.
---When I was approx. 10, I attended the St. Charles carnival with a friend and her father who had been trying to win me a prize all night. He gave me one last quarter which I played on #36 and I won Madonna's "Like a Prayer" album. The lyric insert smelled like incense and 36 has been one of my three lucky numbers ever since.

17 August 2004---3:06a

I can't sleep. I have drugs for this but I don't want to waste one by taking it so deep into my insomnia. I'm pretty sure that dissatisfaction and unhappiness with my daily routine is responsible for my lack of rest. I know I slept like a drunk baby kitten when I was away from home this weekend. I don't think it's very economical or practical to leave town every time I need to get some rest. I have a perty gosh dern full week so it would be nice to catch some solid zzzzzzzzz. I wonder where the term "catching zzzzzzzz" came from. If rearranged, I bet that would be a good Jeopardy question.

I browsed sex toy websites featured in BUST Magazine today out of boredom. I realized that I'm not very adventurous when it comes to my "parts". That's A-OK by me!

So my EX officially became a married man on Saturday and I wish him and his new wife a long, happy, and healthy marriage. In a way, it's peculiar that things ended up this way since at first, neither one of us EVER wanted to get married, then we were positive we'd be spending the rest of your lives together, and then we ended up married to other people. But in the end, it is really my EX that I owe a great deal of thanks to since he gave me he best gift ever. If I had never had the rocky relationship I had with him, I would never be part of the pair that I am now. So good luck to you two crazy kids. I wish nothing but the best and brightest future for you, as you have wished for me!!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1960: A quartet comprising John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Pete Best (later replaced by Ringo Starr) performs as "the Beatles" for the first time in Hamburg, Germany.
---1971: Isaac Hayes hits #1 with "Theme From Shaft".
---Up until the time I was about 15, I was pretty dead set that I was going to be Mrs. W. Axl Rose.

15 August 2004---7:23p

FRIDAY!
*Miller High Life doubles are $3.00 at the Hi-Fi.
*Bob from Coffin Bangers likes to play "Caribou" while he warms up.
*When I marry Alicia, I will be Mrs. Watson.
*Mama's got a squeezebox. Daddy never sleeps at night.
*According to a United Way worker who shall remain nameless, I smell like "cleanliness".
*If I kicked Dennis A. Bell in the testicles, he would become "Denise".
*Drinking ice water can cause you to burn up to 10 calories.
*The 7 Shot Screamers version of "Hooker" by The Sharks may be my new favorite song.
*"Ace of Spades" brings out the rager in me.
*Slept peacefully through the night (time #1)

SATURDAY!
*"Fubar" is one of the worst movies I've ever seen.
*Ace Brown and the Hell Divers may be the most talented band in the world as their live show sounds just like a record.
*I refuse to die without owning a '57 Chevy or a '52 Ford 2 door.
*A man exists in this world named Eggbert.
*Pitchers of beer are $4.00 at Roosters.
*Too many rockabetties have red hair.
*The Allman Brothers Band sings "Ramblin' Man".
*The Coffin Bangers aren't playing out again until next summer.
*"Somebody and the Somethings".
*God bless text messaging.
*Eric Davidson still fits into his 9th grade football try-out shirt.
*Skully's has the biggest and baddest neon sign EVER!
*I hate my body but I love my suit...
*Slept peacefully through the night (time #2)

SUNDAY!
*I had a dream I was making out with a woman while trying not to wake Johnny who was sleeping beside me.
*Sleeping in ROCKS!
*Cozumel = bad enchiladas, EXCELLENT STEAK (I will dream of you tonight).
*Meg-Dog hates peaches.
*I am the JEOPARDY champion! 12x12=144, suckah!
*KISS...and that's all I'm going to say about that.
*10 car pile-up on 270.
*Switchblade makes a mean "sailboat sandwich".
*Returned home to no husband (imagine that...I'm not even sad anymore), videos I forgot to return, a bunch of cool mail and recorded TV shows, and cats with no food.
*I missed Meg-Dog.
*Thanks for your HORSPITALITY Queen B!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1958: Buddy Holly marries Maria Elena Santiago back home in Lubbock.
---1964: The Kinks hits #1 in the UK with "You Really Got Me".
---The band I'm going to play bass for may very well be called "The Cadaver Dogs".

12 August 2004---5:48p

Who Bomb Turks?
NEW BOMB TURKS!

Time for an IMPROMPTU ROCKIN' ROADTRIP thanks to the super sneaky reunion (albeit temporary) of Columbus' finest!! If you haven't seen these fellas live, you better hop in your mobile and roll on down to our state's fine capital. But if you have an Eric Davidson complex, make sure you load up on frosty liquid courage!! You'll have your socks rocked off and that's a promise from me to you! This is going to be the climax of a fun filled weekend after seeing 7 Shot Screamers and Coffin Bangers with my imposter husband, Johnny Switchblade. I haven't felt a vagina tingle like this in QUITE a long time.

A dreamy set set list for NBT would look this this:
Runnin' On Go
Mr. Suit
Dress Up the Naked Truth
I Want My Baby...Dead?
Sucker Punch
I'm Weak
Never Will
Point A to Point Blank
Snap Decision
Out of My Mind
Last Lost Fight
Deathbedside Manner
Youngblood
Tail Crush
*Summer Romance
*Id Slips In
*Brother Orson Welles

Yesterday I hung out with Meg-Dog for a little Stitch-n-Bitch where I was informed that I was knitting left handed which was making it impossible for me to purl and causing symptoms of carpal tunnel syndrome. I welcomed the instruction but I was slightly offended when it was suggested that I abandon knitting for crocheting!! I just needed to re-learn a few fundamentals. I'm getting ready to make the future Mrs. Terry her wedding scarf using the Meg-Dog "knit 2 purl 2" method and hopefully, it will rule. Have a swanky weekend, y'all!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Fact!
---1957: Chet Atkins plays guitar at the first sessions for his proteges, the Everly Brothers, resulting in such hits as “Bye Bye Love” and “Wake Up Little Susie.”
---1978: The Commodores hits #1 with "Three Times a Lady".
---At various New Bomb Turks shows, Eric Davidson kissed me AND my boyfriend at the time, picked his nose with MY hand (which was throwing up the horns), and let me sing "I'm Weak" into the microphone!

11 August 2004---4:59p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Franz Ferdinand "s/t"

"Take Me Out" by Franz Ferdinand is like a less expensive, easily attainable, more health friendly form of "smack". Do I really want it to be part of my brain-numbing routine? Hölle nein! Will it inevitably poison my blood stream? Kein Zweifel! There should be a "Take Me Out" 12 step program.

Circle Pit Cha Cha makes a swirly pattern!
Electric Slide Cha Cha can only be worn at weddings!
Skanking Cha Cha is black and white checkered!
Lambada Cha Cha is for your lovers eyes only!
Hardcore Cha Cha is covered in red splatter!
Square Dancing Cha Cha looks like gingham!
Macarena Cha Cha is out of style!
Swing Dancing Cha Cha is requires being limber!

I bet the song "Hot Cha" by They Might Be Giants is really about Cha Cha!

Speaking of Cha Cha...I'm heading over to Meg "It Ain't Shit If You Don't Knit" Dog's house for a knit-a-thon. She's going to teach me how to purl. I'm going to use my new purling skills to make a scarf for my ex-boyfriend's new fiance because that just exemplifies exactly how cool of a cat I am. I am also going to say, It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and... at every opportunity I get because THAT, my friends, is priceless knitting banter. God bless you Pee-Wee!!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Fact!
---1979: Kiss hits #11 with "I Was Made For Lovin' You".
---1990: Snap hits #2 in the US with "The Power".
---The first 3 times I met Dave Weston from the now defunct band Weston, I gave him a rubber turtle. The last time I saw Weston play, I was struck down with the knee cancer that afflicts me to this day.

9 August 2004---3:03p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Nekromantix "Dead Girls Don't Cry"

Rest In Peace, Fay Wray, even though you SHOULD have died YEARS ago! It's about time!

Yesterday I was retaining a lot of stress in both my brain and lower back. The physical aggravation was soothed by double cheese pizza and "the rub", and the emotional trauma was eased by some cell phone therapy a la TMFK and some potential vacation plans. We're kicking around the idea of renting a cabin at Salt Fork for a few days as a method of rapid detox. Drinking, cooking out, drinking, swimming, drinking, relaxing, drinking, and random bored/card games. I INSIST on random board/card games as a method of stress reduction!! Cabins have full kitchens, fire pits, picnic tables, screened in porches...some even have Jacuzzis, hubba hubba!! I'm really hyped up about this so I hope it comes to fruition. I practically have my bag mentally packed!

KINGS OF NUTHIN' and KOFFIN KATS in Michigan on the 22nd! How hot a bill is that? DAMN HOT! I'm there. Will you be?

I rode my Betty Bicycle (heart go THROB) today as a start to my pre-school exercise regimen. I hate exercise with a burning hot passion but I hate the idea of fat thighs and my ever present apple bottom more. I think the bike is going to punch those tickets fairly quick. However, my lightning fast pedal around an adjoining neighborhood this morning did seal the deal on exactly how out of shape I am. My whole goal is to look decent in my vacation bikini and even better by Halloween. Call me vain. Call me shallow. I don't care! That's because I'm vain and shallow! GUH!

It still says "I H8 Pussies" on my dry erase board.

I think it's time to come to grips with the fact that the people who make up my circle of friends will not always be lifetime members. Just like after high school, things change and in the wise words of TMFK, "You can't try to keep everyone together forever". That's highly disappointing but also pretty damn true and though I'm not ready to throw in my monogrammed gang towel just yet, I also know that I feel too old to have to spend so much effort on what should be easy-peasey friendships. Sigh...

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1967: The Bee Gees debut album, 'Bee Gees 1st', is issued in America.
---1995: Jerry Garcia dies at age 53 of a heart attack after having checked into a drug-rehab facility (in others words, he got fat, stoned, and died).
---I have a reoccurring dream consisting of Christopher Walken and myself tap dancing to "Walk Right Back" by the Everly Brothers.

8 August 2004---10:26a

I like a good laugh every now and then so, in the words of Brett 'The Knife' Chabek: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

A Salute to Brett M. Chabek (whom I still platonically love).

1/11/04: I made The Knife go to the mall with me to spend obscene amounts of money on shirts that showcase my clevage.

1/11/04: However, a little tiny bleeping thing attached to a cord came with the whole set-up...and it has no use or purpose. It just lights up and exists no where in the manual. The Knife was dead set it was a microphone. I think it's a government bug.

1/12/04: If suffering a person crisis means I get to spend this much time with The Knife, bring on THE PLAGUE, MAMA!

1/22/04: I was already damn assured that The Knife's Nightmare On Elm Street Pajama Party Drink-a-Thon was going to rock steady but now that I have a COWBOY BOOT BEER MUG to go with my old school cowpoke pajama pants...it's going to bee-bop as well.

1/22/04: I would really like to "do it" to "Rum to Whiskey" by Murder City Devils but NOT because it reminds me of The Knife. It's because the progression would be perfect for a good romp in the sack or roll in the hay.

1/25/04: Upon suggestion by The Knife, I am going to get "relationship roadies".

1/25/04: Bottom line: Jason will always be scarier than Freddy, horror movies will never reflect any small resemblence to ACTUAL life, and I woke up with a spider two milimeters away from my eyeball this morning so The Knife's basement is off limits. OH NO! LINDERMAN!

2/24/04: I have a date to go to the picture show with a cat named The Knife tomorrow. Hot cha! Maybe we can have one of those "both hands in the tub of popcorn" moments.

2/24/04: See how I brought this whole paragraph full-circle? Right back to talking about The Knife? Smoooooooth!!

3/1/04: I really want to hop on the accordian train and get this silly thing in motion and I want The Knife to be my singer/song writin' co-collaborator.

3/4/04: Rumor has it that next week's domestic display will be prepared by The Knife but we'll see if he remembered he said that!

3/6/04: I think The Knife would be Mikey...all insightful and chock full of pep talks.

3/6/04: My first baby is going to be a girl and I am going to breed her to marry The Knife.

3/14/04: BWAHAHAHAHAH, as the Knife would say.

3/19/04: When I run away, I will send The Knife funny postcards and pictures.

3/25/04: I'll tell ya...I'm going to dinner and a movie with The Knife because my husband (of 1 year) has to work.

4/2/04: I have a date with The Knife to go to the Fright Vision Horror Convention on Sunday so if anyone else wants to tag along, feel free.

4/10/04: Will Lacey's built up immunity and Kookies of steel be enough to save this group of rebels and outcasts from impending intestinal doom after The Knife's poisoned breain leads to his unexplained suicide?

5/1/04: I'd like to send a GET WELL message out to my pal, The Knife, who is having some serious digestive and nausea issues it would seem. Nothing is more "THE PITS" than being sick on a damn beautiful Saturday.

5/6/04: When I call The Knife pretending to be a representative from Planned Parenthood, my fake name will be Edna Jerkins.

5/6/04: I never hear from the Knife anymore and it's difficult in getting him interested in routine hanging.

5/7/04: Thanks to a tip-off by The Knife, I was just throughly rocked by an article Stephen King wrote about "country being turned on it's X" and breeding an insane and untapped unground rockabilly scene.

6/1/04: The Knife is my date for the Reverend Horton Heat show. We're going to paint the town blood red. How do you like us now?

6 August 2004---10:05a

It is the weekend of dates! I feel like a hooker except I'm buying my own drinks and there's no need for KY!

I am so round, like first trimester round, but I don't care. Last night was my fondue-date (due-date, very fitting with my "first trimester" comparison and all) and I can't believe it's over! Fondue was by far the best thing to come out of the 70s...except maybe the Bee-Gees. Thanks to Duckie for taking me and buying me beer: $3.75 x 3. I'm fat and happy for now. Later, I'll be applying to Extremem Makeover: Fat Mammals edition.

Next up: my "getting knitty with it" date with Meg-Dog. We're on a serious yarn hunt. It might be very dangerous. We might not come back alive. But if we do, we'll be making scarves and hats as a way of recovering from what we've seen! Following this is my Ghosts of Boyfriends Past date which includes Meg-Dog, Switchblade, Kill the Hippies, drink specials, and a gaggle of people I've kissed+ at one time or another. Thank GOD for the drink specials or I might not make it through! At least I know that I'm much better looking and can hold my liquor longer now than when all this TOM FOOLERY originally occurred. It should be a festive Friday to say the least. I'm sure I'll have war stories for y'all. A safari and a war in one DAY? I am an effin' trooper!!

Tomorrow features a hot dog eating date (it's a yearly family tradition...I'm supposed to make brownies, sheeeesh), a This Moment In Blach History Date (yeah, I've got a dollar to spare), and a Sunday family function which is like a date scheduled with my family memebers (I like free food and usually Sundays are a waste anyway). All in all, I think I should actually be at my house only for sleep which is basically not like being here at all! Hooray! Am I looking forward to all the driving? Nah. Am I looking forward to the rocking? Yes sir/ma'am.

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1988: After a 57 week climb, Guns N' Roses 'Appetite For Destruction' reaches #1.
---1996: After touring as part of the sixth annual Lollapalooza festival, the Ramones perform their 2,263rd and final show in Los Angeles.
---"Chocolate and Cheese", an album titled from the band Ween, used to make me sick to my stomach until I started eating fondue.
---Matt Trahan from Kill the Hippies has the best mustache, a la Rip Taylor, in Rock-n-Roll.

4 August 2004---3:36p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Briefs "Sex Objects"

HEY YOU! If you have a crush, I think you should act on it. No good romps in the hay ever came from just sittin' around watching the cowboys sling...hay. What am I talking about? I don't know.

This may make no sense to anyone but me but on the most recent cover of US Magazine, other wise known as My Bible, Jennifer Garner's mouth reminds me of a sloppy vagina. Gross, I know, especially since I can't stop looking at it in horror. I think it's a combination of how much of her top gums are showing and how glossy her lips are. I usually love Jennifer Garner in a platonic, non-lesbianese way so it's too bad that this photo faux pas had to happen at the height of her career because I will forever think of her as "Vagina Face" or the less threatening "Bocca di Vagina".

1 year ago today, my nephews slept over and we watched "Midnight Skater" with my friends which required the use of "eye-muffs". 2 years ago today, I was blogging about seeing GBV with Meg-Dog for free where she caught not 1 but 2 GBV drumsticks, was offered a ride by total strangers whom she made pose for a picture with her, and claimed she had NEVER been on Euclid Avenue before in her life which was clearly a lie...but a funny and entertaining lie. What did I do at this show? Drank cheap beer and fell in love with a fat man who obviously wanted to be Elvis but was failing. 2 years later and I STILL haven't had my picture taken with him. Loooooooord JESUS. PLEASE take the devil out of me!

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1956: What many consider to be one of rock's greatest double-sided singles, "Don't Be Cruel" and "Hound Dog," is released. Both sides will share the top spot for 11 weeks.
---"Eternal Flame" by The Bangles was the 1st song I taught myself to play on my Casio keyboard.

3 August 2004---1:52p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Ashlee Simpson "Autobiography"

Dear Ashlee,

Your album, which doesn't remind me of Avril in the slightest, may very well end up being my #1 album of the year if things don't start picking up soon. Nekromantix, Tiger Army, They Might Be Giants...all highly disappointing duds. Looks like you're temporarily wearing the crown, Ashlee. And I sincerely hope they bring your show back for another season. You're quickly becoming my favorite Simpson.

Sincerely,
L.H.

I HATE someone...enough to say that I H8 them...but I'm not allowed to go into details. Just know that my blood has begun to boil to the degree higher than "firey hot with anger" but not surpassing "boiling hot death".

June and July might not have been the BEST months, but damn, August came in like a drunk frat boy and puked all over my favorite party dress. It will take multiple washings to get both the stains and stenches out. I hate you August. You've only been here for 3 days and you're totally ruining everything. All of my friends, family members, and even myself are either irrate, anti-social, very, very angry and/or bummed and checking themselves into a psychward, boring/bored, or crying and it's all your fault. Is it because you're not as hot as usual that you feel the need to spread gloom and dread while you're around? Well, you better shape up soon. I don't take kindly to such a hostile environment.

There are 2 (actually, 8 after closer inspection) tomaters on our Mr. Stripey tomater plants. I feel like we've give birth but without the stretch marks and gore.

Starting today, I will be throwing out a rock fact as my closing (as in "Blah blah blah happened on this day in this year in rock history yadda yadda"), which I will ruthlessly steal off the internet, in order to make every day of August somewhat less painful. I will also throw out my own personal rock fact which will most certainly be totally based on my opinion. I figure this may stimulate some rock based comments and I'm sure Little Erin will have plenty to say as she is a rockaholic. I will call them "1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!", (*which should be read as 1,2,3,4 and not 1,234...my fault*) after Sifl and Olly, of course, though hopefully, none of my rock facts will cover the subject of Bjork. I guess I'll start now. No time like the present. And now, right now, introducting:

1234! 1234! Rock Facts! Rock Facts! Rock Facts!
---1959: "Dedicated to the One I Love" by the Shirelles hits #83.
---"Now, Right Now" is my most hated Reverend Horton Heat song.
---Kings of Nuthin' are scheduled to play in Cleveland on September 14th!!!!!!!!!