***LOOK cool. ACT cool. BE cool.***

30 January 2004---11:14a

I have not slept for 2 whole days (which is not that bad consider once, I did not sleep for 21 days straight and finally lost control and IV fluids were required along with medication to restore homeostasis). Zombie-ness is beginning it's hostile take over of my body and mind. My walk has become more of a drunken shuffle, my eyes are glazing over and sort of oozing if you must know, my speech has just become a series of "Argh" and "Ugh" and "Grrr", and I look pretty rotten and terrifying overall. I ducked out of class early because Italian Renaissance Art and sleepy zombie makes a bad combination. I'm going to write a lullabye called "Sleepy Zombie". I will sing it to myself to induce sleep.

I need to mix up some sort of sleeping potion so I can make the most out of my rockin' tonight. No one really wants to rock with a sleepy zombie. And NO ONE will ask a sleepy zombie to dance so a nap must be scheduled in my future. Those are just the facts as I see them. Plus, this sleepy zombie bought a new skirt to rock-n-roll in and we're not going to let it go to waste, now are we? LORD! I am so TIRED that I THINK I just might SNAP!!! Looks like this nap might be drug induced.

Confusion is still looming. No need to discuss it furthur as it will come out sounding like "Argh...Ugh...Grrr". All I know is relationships also turn normal everyday happy-go-lucky people into zombies...but not SLEEPY zombies. Zombie jerks.

28 January 2004---7:49p

HIGHLY EDITED ENTRY, YO!

This will now simply read: I am obsessed with Britney Spear's new song, "Toxic". I want the psychobilly band to cover it. My psychobilly band makes me H-O-T! Things are looking up once again.

Speaking of bands, 'Big Bad Brett and the Go-Getters' already has fans in Texas. Well, slap my ass and call me one happy accordian player without an accordian!!! Or you could just slap my ass...it's lonely. Point is, we're going to rock the eldery from here to PACOIMA!!!

28 January 2004---11:48a
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Teen Idols "Pucker Up".

I think Meghan should host the WVIZ local morning news because she has a nice face for telelvision and lovely hair. I don't think the lack of experience hosting the news or any other program should be held against her. I don't think her lack of ability to put on a proper puppet show using Misfits dolls should be held against her either.

Upon Meghan's suggestion, I am going to get my haircut because haircuts make EVERYONE feel better afterwards (though I will feel like a space creature during as my entire head will be covered in foil...oh, and see below for the source of my uneasiness). This will make me look fresh for my internship interview tomorrow. YEEHAW, Y'ALL!

Went to "couples conselling" bright and early this morning. The dude thinks he can help us both fulfill our "relationship expectations", though he makes no promises. I even told HIM that I'm not getting my hopes up. I just wish everything wasn't so up in the air...someone asked me yesterday if "he" and I were broken up and I didn't even know what to say because are we? We're trying to work it out and we both want to get back together and "he" seems pretty assured that we will be, we're technically still married, and we're being faithful to one another and acting "couple-like" as far as I can tell so...I really have no IDEA how to define our relationship. And "he" doesn't want me to feel like he's pulling all the strings but he IS...everything is in his hands. He has to give me the go to say, "We're back together". I feel helpless.

I guess I really didn't put two and two together and grasp that the month of February starts this SUNDAY so that means I am going to a show EVERYDAY this weekend: Lords of the Highway on Friday, Lee Rocker on Saturday, and OKGO on Sunday (not to mention shows on the 6th, 11th, 13th, and a trip to Columbus on the 15th! GOD!). So now we're going to play my favorite game: Who's the biggest rocker in the room? Who could it be? Could it be MEEEE??? I need some rockin' after all the twsited and turning and flopping and thinking my brain has been doing today. I don't think there is any statute of limitations on feeling like you've been shit on, you know? But enough psycho-babble...GOOD THINGS!!!

Though an apology would be nice. I won't hold my breath.

27 January 2004---3:31p

So...I might be starting a psychobilly band with Akron Jen. We like all the same bands but the most important thing was that she likes Murder City Devils. That's a new "must have". I'm going to bust my ass left-n-right-n-raw to get an upright bass, even if it is the biggest piece of shit this side of the equator. This whole band idea will plug a lot of holes: I have always wanted to start a band (and I totally dig psychobilly to the max, y'all), I want to play upright, and supposedly I don't have enough hobbies or something to that effect (I guess reading, movies, painting, travelling, going to shows...those don't count because it's not the same as making low-budget zombie movies and going to tattoo conventions). So anyway, I'm effing giddy because this could very well make me the happiest kitten on Earth. There will be more information after some discussion on Friday...we have to "drummer hunt".

I'm experiencing intense doubt which does not sit well in a stomach filled with Cracklin' Oat Bran. After spending a few days going over some "issues" that were discussed, everything seems really stupid to me. I don't know if I really want to spend the rest of my life explaining things and defending myself. I think I could better fill my time.

You know what I LOVE?!?!? I LOVE MY CREW! They are all so hot and foxy and smart and funny and open and different. I wish I could take little bits of each of my crew members and built someone to spend the rest of my life with, like a recipe for the perfect person. Not necessarily a husband or boyfriend...maybe just a reallly kick ass roommate or dog. I don't like dogs but this would be a wonder dog by far.

In addition to the crew that I love, I love painting and I love how dirty I get when I paint: paint on my face, on my clothes, under my fingernails...people who stay clean when they paint are not really expressing themselves at all. They don't put any of themselves into their work. I refuse to stay seperate from my work from now on. Painting has been why I get up in the morning. When I'm laying in bed at night, I think about painting. I've become obsessed with my work...and now I'm actually considering it work and nto just a hobby (plus, I supposedly didn't have hobbies before). I've got a whole new perspective on my art and I like it, it makes me feel h-o-t. I get up and put make-up on to make my canvas fall in love with me! But then I paint with cheap brushes so...I kind of suck. The Murder City Devils are a fantastic band to paint to. So is Tiger Army. And the Misfits.

My "fake boyfriend" will know how to play Chess and not care when it takes me a long time to learn. He will see my band every time we play and be nice to my friends. He will buy me lots of books and rub my head while I read them. Those are things I thought I should add.

27 January 2003---9:54a
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Reverend Horton Heat "Live in Chicago!"

So I woke up to recieve the results of some of my tests so things are a little clearer in my mind this morning. Not that it makes me feel any better, really. Chin up, young person!

I think I'm losing out on my date to Hank III due to a short month with less pay and 2 more pressing show obligations. All is good, though. I'd ask "him" but I don't want him to feel like he's doing me any favors (I feel shitty enough that he had to come over and comfort me after all my blood work). I recently learned that I was "too dependent" on him. I will have practice going to shows alone after going to Lee Rocker on Saturday. It won't be the most thrilling show but it's a SHOW and I'm going through withdrawl. Maybe I'll meet someone there to go to Hank with...stranger things have happened!

Due to the effed weather and the actual cancelling of classes at my university, my Classical Mythology exam was rescheduled AGAIN!! Now I can be super-mega-ultra prepared...and I actually got a lot accomplished last night! YEEHAW FOR ME!

Today marks the 3 week anniversary of single life. How should I celebrate/mourn this event? The more I think about it, the more lousy it makes me feel. It's pretty damn lame when a person only pays attention to things they claim you DIDN'T do and not the overwhelming amount of awesome things you DID do. It's also the pits that someone you spend a year and a half with actually doesn't know much about you at all. What can you do? Happy 3 Weeks.

26 January 2004---4:39p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: They Might Be Giants "Dial-a-Song".

If you add evil to James Woods you get Willem DeFoe. Oh Brodie!

Ugh! What was supposed to be a lickity split visit to the doctor became 2 hours of blood work, urinalysis, poking, prodding, and in-depth questioning. I might know more tomorrow. I won't know everything until Friday. I know that right now, I'm stressed but I'm trying to stay up. They Might Be Giants are helping me out. "He" helped me, too...always around with a hug and a "call me if you need anything" and those are EXACTLY the things I need.

My internship interview was postponed until Thursday due to the nasty weather and junk. You can uncross those fingers and recross them later this week.

So I might be going to Louisiana over spring break to camp, canoe, and hunt for voo-doo relics with Miss Lisa Marie. It's got me pretty excited because I've never been there and combined with going to California in June, I'll be able to axe 2 states off my list. It would be so damn awesome to say that I had been to all 50 states in my life time (thus far, Ohio being the KING and Tennessee being the PITS!). I like having boat loads of future plans. I'm actually starting to feel better after today's ordeal.

I promised that I would try and eat something and try EVEN HARDER to keep it down (though I think it's out of my control). I always keep my promises now so I better get get cookin'!!!

26 January 2004---12:26p
DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY: 11!!!

Yes, the official countdown has begun! 11 days until my favorite day of the year! It may seem really vain and selfish to be THIS into the day of your birth but I can't help it. I'm obsessed with my birthday like some people are obsessed with Christmas. And this year, all rotten circumstances aside, I feel very fortunate because I will be surrounded by almost all of my friends at my birthday rock-out! Everyone is flocking from far and wide just to help me start 25 off with a bang! I am going to recognize this as a replacement "New Year" since 2004 didn't really start out the way I had planned. I'm trying to be ultra positive! I DESERVE GOOD THINGS!!

If anyone feels so inclined to give me a birthday gift this year, which is NOT a necessity (your presence, no matter who you are, is far more than enough for me), please feel free to make it cash of any value! I have trips to California, North Carolina, and Chicago this summer to fund. You may feel like cash is impersonal, but every little bit will help me have rockin' times on both coasts and I need all the fun I can get my grubby little paws on. You can look at it like you helped purchase my plane ticket or hotel room. Keep that in mind.

"He" came over and we had a slumber party which consisted of watching movies and cartoons, snuggling and sleeping. Not much to report I'm afraid but it made me feel extremely at ease temporarily. The only thing that made me feel "iffY" is when I asked "him" if he would be going to the LOTH show on Saturday. He said he didn't know and for some reason, that made me feel really rotten. We've been taking a lot and hanging out a bit and making some progress with our troubles and I guess it hurts my feelings that he wouldn't want to go to hang out with me or even go WITH me...this is something that we would normally do together. I know he's been itching to go out and do things and his "I don't know" response makes me feel like he just doesn't want to do things if I will be there, for whatever reason. I feel like we can only do things here at my apartment, away from people. Maybe "he" is afraid of what his friends will think if we're hanging together in public. I dunno...but it makes me feel sort of lousy. Just being honest.

Something else that did not make me feel at ease is that Sweater Ted finally made his way home and he smells funny. He smells foreign and I really don't like it...it kind of made my skin crawl. I don't know what to do about this situation.

I have a doctors appointment soon. I should be getting ready but I'm "shaking in my boots", though I have no boots to shake in. I've been to the doctors ENOUGH. I've been sick ENOUGH. I do not need any more bad news or rotten circumstances for the rest of the YEAR! I don't think that's too much to ask for. I just had a nice night and the longest sleep I've had in MONTHS and I really don't feel like following that up with a session of poking and prodding. I know I have to go considering I've been vomiting, losing weight, had a loss of appetite, and had a series of sleepless nights for about the past 15 days. It could just be stress, I HOPE! But what if it's not? I don't need bad news. I have to take a final tomorrow and bad news is going to wreck my day. I'm babbling. I'm nervous.

But the weekend looks promising. Lords of the Highway on Friday and Lee Rocker (all by my lonesome) on Saturday. Rock-n-roll will cure my ailemts. It always does!

25 January 2004---2:31p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Hangmen "No Happy Endings".

The mall (and most lunch-serving restaurants) does not open until 11:00 on Sundays but when it does, you can buy slim pants. SLIM PANTS!!!

Upon suggestion by The Knife, I am going to get "relationship roadies". After realizing that saying "I've spent a lot of time at the Motel 6" does not sound OUT LOUD the way I meant it to, I felt the need to clarify that I spent 4 years in a "travelling relationship" which sparked the idea of "relationship roadies"...they get you dressed, they coordinate your activities, and they're even in charge of administering your birth control. It's genius.

I have new glasses. I picked the nerdiest pair possible. I look like I should be a 1960s doctor. I also got prescription sunglasses. They look like 1970s "honeys". Spending money makes me H-O-T!

From now on, even if some of my friends have been killed and I haven't slept for days, I'm going to talk in a lusty voice. I guess that's how it's supposed to be done when you're going through tragedy. Bottom line: Jason will always be scarier than Freddy, horror movies will never reflect any small resemblence to ACTUAL life, and I woke up with a spider two milimeters away from my eyeball this morning so The Knife's basement is off limits. OH NO! LINDERMAN!

Today would have been 10 months. My heart feels a little sad. But I bought my Hank III ticket. My head feels a little happy.

Meghan's blog rules. Just like Meghan.

23 January 2004---11:31p

Let it be known that in a drunk stupor involving Maker's Mark, Johnny Switchblade said the following (and mind you, I cleaned up the horrific "I had way to much to effing drink while all by myself in my apartment" spelling that came with these statements so they could be understood by more than a fragment of the population):

'Looks like Chabes had too much again'. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I want that on my tombstone.

Thank you and good night!

23 January 2004---6:05p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: They Might Be Giants "No!"

I NOW HAVE COMMENTS AT THE END OF EACH ENTRY! Feel free to comment on my ridiculous ramblings, whether good or bad. I dig a little psychotic reaction every now and then!!! I LOVE YOU DAVID!!!

YEEHAW! And a big cattle-ropin' thanks to Cowboy David Loomer for doing the most rootin', tootin' facelift job this blog could ever have dreamed of! If I could handle a lasso like I handle my men (erratically, but with precision and style), I would spell "YEEHAW DAVID" across the blue Texas sky...but seeing as this would take both lasso lessons and a long flight to Texas, I'll sit home and drink a beer out of my cowboy boot instead! THANKS AGAIN!

I just got an early birthday gift. No, it was not sex with a tattooed man in a cowboy hat to "Rum to Whiskey"...it was EVEN BETTER although less sexual. Byrne is taking the day off to attend my birthday rock-out!! Now if that isn't better than a good spankin', I don't know what is! I'm awfully popular this year and that turns me on.

I am in love with my Italian Renaissance Art class. I got to hear a story about my Professor, who speaks little Italian, asking a man how to get to "the big testicles". Fascinating!!

Yesterday, I had the best pomp my hair has ever seen and a waitress told me how adorable and stylish my hair was. This also turned me on! There is nothing that riles me up more than hair, and hair adoration, especially when it is my hair. Is that vain? Perhaps. But I worked hard on this particular 'do and HEY, somebody SHOULD HAVE patted me on the back. I rarely do good things.

I am going to drink beer alone tonight because my town is coated in effing ICE! I tried to leave and I FAILED!! But luckily, I have beer, sweet nectar of the gods...AND my god damn cowboy boot beer mug I keep talking about. I'm sure if you call me around 10:30p, I'll be highly entertaining. Everyone needs to get fuzzy alone sometimes. I'm giddy just thinking about it.

If you're thinking of dating any of the men on my new blog, the sax player is mine. HANDS OFF! (***and as my loyal fans may have noticed, I deleted my last entry...not because I don't think I'm going to end up getting screwed over...because I probably will, everyone tends to think so...but because it was boring and did not fit in with my rock-n-roll lifestyle!)

22 January 2004---8:48p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Murder City Devils "In Name and Blood".

I would really like to "do it" to "Rum to Whiskey" by Murder City Devils but NOT because it reminds me of The Knife. It's because the progression would be perfect for a good romp in the sack or roll in the hay. It's like a soundtrack to good, sweaty, neck kissing, rolling over each other, breathing heavily...WHEW! I'm getting carried away. All I know is that I'm adding the above to me "to do" list.

My hands smell sexy thanks to Burt and his bees. I smell like cookies.

Speaking of sexy, I found a Bahamas bikini that is h-o-t! Who knew January was bikini season? I certainly was in the dark about it! I didn't buy it yet...I'm holding out to be sure that this is what I want to spend 5 glorious days in, strutting my stuff, playing a little shuffle board with someone's Grams and Gramps.

I keep mentally meshing "Rip It, Rip It Up" by Florian Monday & His Mondos with "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls. I never cease to amaze myself...especially when I start singing the effed combination out loud in my empty apartment while dancing in my underwear (which is usually reserved for Bon Jovi and the Kinks).

I am going to marry Apple Amy when I grow up and I'm pretty sure that's illegal in most states but HEY...I'm a rebel.

I was already damn assured that The Knife's Nightmare On Elm Street Pajama Party Drink-a-Thon was going to rock steady but now that I have a COWBOY BOOT BEER MUG to go with my old school cowpoke pajama pants...it's going to bee-bop as well.

Dinner tonight kicked my ass...literally...once on the turnpike and once all over my bathroom. I tried! I really did! I enjoyed it going down but the chicken would not hear of it...it had not had far enough stage time so it made a reappearance. I made a promise that I would try to eat and I succeeded in trying, failed in eating. But altogether, my end of the bargain was upheld. I guess I won't be getting "fattened up" and there will be no return of my big butt and thighs...yes, I learned today that other people noticed my thighs were fat. PFFFFFFFFFFT!!!

I start a new class tomorrow with my favorite Professor. A little Italian Renaissance Art to get my brain going. Speaking of art, I painted a picture for my mom today...I was proud of myself. She loved it, she would have loved it either way since I'm her child. It's like the law. I'm taking commisions. Put your order in now!

I may toss again. I want to wait until this song is over first. I never noticed how many Murder City Devils songs are about sailors and they are either dead, drunk, or drinking. How did this skim over my head before?

21 January 2004---11:05p

I'm just going to say "WHATEVER" and move on. That's all I've got. I don't understand boys one little bit and why try? Girls are powerless against their indecision and fickle behavior.

"'Til Death Do Us Part w/ Carmen Elektra and Dave Navarro" was fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone I've ever met as a means of bringing joy back to Wednesday nights. What I would not recommend is getting a bleeding ulcer. All I've managed to keep today is about 1 can of Cherry Coke and 2 spoonfuls of blueberry yogurt.

I can't wait to get my new glasses. I love being super stylish. And as I learned at the last Lords of the Highway show, "chicks with glasses are hot". Well, thank you sir. I try.

A blast from my past returned today but I think I'm a little too old to have friends named "Scooter". (I was also informed that I'm too old to go to so many shows..HA HA HA! Live music is my life mama, so shoot up or shut up!).

Finally got a smaller barbell AND new earrings AND got to assist people in filling out paperwork. It was THRILLING! I also was taught a valuable lesson: it's hard to fight while wearing glasses. Good thing I'm a lover...and you can pronounce that "lovah".

Lots of cowboys like me. One called me "Kitty Kat" today and I liked it. I like the word "fella" too so I'm going to encorporate it into day-to-day conversations. I am going to subtract the word "wigging" to make room for it.

Insert "Futurama" here!

21 January 2004---7:13a

I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning and I have a really bad taste in my mouth...like a combination of lead and stale Coke. I don't want to be up at 7:00 in the morning. Argh...now my stomach hurts. I'm going to cry, I just have to wait for it. I'm not good at being patient.

Stuff is going on...I don't feel like plastering it all over here right now especially since I always end up feeling poorly about what I've written and force myself to edit. I don't like to edit myself...it's the pits. But there is stuff going on and I feel pretty rotten about it which is not really how I thought I'd feel. I really have been hlding my chin up high, living my life to the fullest, and that's been kick ass and I've had lots of fun...but somewhere in there, I just decided to ignore the fact that I'm hurting inside. Now, after an unexpected phone call, it's right in my face again: I am hurting. It's really getting to the point of "shoot up or shut up" because though I want "him" to have all the space in the world and do what's going to make him happy...he's not happy, and I need to have some idea of where things might or might not go. I need to know if I'm ever going to wear the relationship hat again or if I need to pull up anchor and accept that I'm sailing indefinitely to Friendville. I really don't think there's much I could have done differently, I just wasn't enough and was incapable of bringing happiness to another person. I am missing "him" and I wish this would all just stop.

There goes the crying. What a wuss.

20 January 2004---2:20p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Murder City Devils "In Name and Blood".

Meg-Dog is designing a flawless "fake future" for me centered around my new "fake boyfriend". I like to think that since he doesn't exist, I can long for him but never set myself up to get hurt. This is what I know about the rest of my "fake life" so far:

---The guy is older and self employed...some kind of small business or something he can do out of the home. He makes a decent wage.

---He drives a cool car. Something old.

---He'll have a few extra pounds which he isn't terribly concerned about...he's not fat, just soft in the middle a little.

---He drinks beer. Always good beer. Always imports and good microbrews. He gets me away from the domestics. I see life beyond miller...and I gain ten pounds. He also takes me out for sushi and I like it.

---He's from somewhere else...not Ohio. He's tight with his family, though, so he takes a lot of trips home. He's not terribly outdoorsy. He likes beef jerky. He's not a hillbilly.

---He likes movies with lawyers, trials, court films. He always wanted to be a lawyer, but didn't want to do law school.

---He likes the same stuff I do. He has a big head, dark hair, dark eyes. He might have a bad tooth...maybe a gold tooth?

---ALL of his clothes are vintage. He buys nothing new except shoes, socks, and underwear. He wears good shoes and he is always well dressed.

---He buys cute dresses for me and he brings me flowers. He's very chivalrous. He might wear a fur coat. I think he wears glasses.

---He lives in a spacious apartment somewhere away from the city. It's well decorated. He doesn't have a TV. He has a lot of records and a nice computer. His email address is "goldtooth1976@xxxxxxx.com".

---His hair is shiny. He gets like haircuts. He spends more on his hair than he spends on his groceries.

---His favorite color is red. His favorite word is "galvanic".

---We dance, take dance lessons, and eventually we compete in dance competitions together and we win. We do all kinds of dance, including lambada, the forbidden dance.

---He is a good kisser.

So that is my "fake life" and "fake future" as interpreted by Meg-Dog. I'm going to have to carry this around in my pocket so if I ever meet a guy that meets this criteria, I can have a heart attack out of pure shock and horror!!!

20 January 2004---10:58a

Thus far, the BEST thing I've heard all day would be the following:

I'm having a baby with my dead husband's frozen sperm.

Incredible!!

I want to go to The 5 O'Clock on Thursday to toss back some brews and listen to the rockabilly DJ spin some rockin' tunes. Anybody down for that? I can always go alone but it would be more fun with company.

20 January 2004---9:34a
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Swingin' Neckbreakers "Shake Break"

This has been highly edited. I think it got a little too "emo" and SCREW THAT! Once you picked through the bitching, the important facts remained and are described with as little detail as possible: Queen B came, she saw, we conquered, and I have a slight hangover today (I also woke up with some regrets about asking "him" to hang with us last night because I'm supposed to be minding my own business...moment of weakness). Now she's gone (insert Hall & Oates here) and of course I was dramatically devastated but I have since recovered. I am going to listen to some good rock-n-roll and paint all day long because that makes me happy...and H-O-T! Maybe that won't be good for my "itch"!!!

So, there. All the "emo" has been exterminated because hyped up emotions make you lame and I'm ready to rock this Tuesday into oblivian!!! I have to fit getting my barbell changed into my schedule somewhere. This one is fitting uncomfortably in my mouth (insert dirty joke here).

19 January 2004---10:05a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Amazing Royal Crowns "s/t"

HOT DOG! Did I have fun yesterday or WHAT?!? I thought I was going to be ultra nervous about the snapshots but after a few beers and some serious face and body direction, VA-VA-VOOM, I really got into it. I had a really rockin' time (and got to hang with this rad dude Derek who does the Elvis busts and his friend who makes spooky pajama pants for a living! AND I learned some of the fundamental of Chess...I want a boyfriend or a friend who will play Chess with me late into the night) and I am WAY excited to see if anything useable comes out of this. I mean, I saw the pictures and I think some of them are just flat out, slap-my-thigh, roll-in-the-hay hysterical!!! And then there were others where I actually enjoyed looking at them as I couldn't believe that was actually my body. The working out has obviously paid off!

The poses were damn hysterical! There's some of me playing a little strip poker, washing dishes, cleaning a toilet (thanks a lot Meghan) and then just some randoms of me with a skull, some guns, whiskey, etc. I discovered that I do have more faces that the traditional "Big Toothed Grin" and "The Top Lip Snarl". I also have "Ooooh! Cupcakes" and "Angry Hillbilly". Everything was fairly PG-13 in the wardrobe department. A bra and panty set, a red dress, a half slip and bra, my black "I'm dressing up as Sugar" slip...lots of fishnets, lots of high heels or furry slippers. GOD BLESS AMERICA, I almost haad to wear PLASTIC CLOTHING!! Luckily, my ass just wouldn't hear of it!

I have to say, Ii think it was a little easier to get into tramp mode because it was just Lisa Marie, Meghan and myself. I would have felt sort of Red-Light district if everyone else has stayed around. I think my jugs might have gotten shy and plus, I don't give free shows anymore. That was only fun during the years closely related to puberty. Photo shoot was followed by girl talk (I'm starting to feel "the itch" if you know what I mean...and if you DON'T, I'm not talking about actual itching) and picture viewing and then we were out the door. It was a damn fine Sunday, I have to say and I throughly enjoyed my company. OH! And I also ordered my very first thing from Starbucks! Grande Caramel Frappachino. I was told it was a wuss drink but it got the ball rolling after a rather lengthy nap and grooming process. YEEHAW!

And YEEHAW again! Queen B will arrive around 4:00p. This is exactly what I need...the Queen on my territory, in our old stomping grounds, livin' it up! Though I am very excited, know that I will have a great night and had a rad night yesterday...I miss "him" today. I had some knots in my stomach but I worked them out for now. I'm sure he's having fun doing whatever he's doing and I cheer him on! I cheer y'all on! HOORAY FOR EVERYONE! GET BUSY LIVIN' OR GET BUSY DYIN'!!

18 January 2004---10:51a
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Deke Dickerson "Mr.Entertainment"

Last night at the show, Brodie and I discussed a deep yearning for a future time when we could just get some decent sleep. I believe those days have passed us by, my friend, and the only way to secure a good night's rest is via little pills only a doctor can prescribe. We have officially entered adulthood, are on our own, and it all goes down from here.

I had my "fake date" with Switchblade on Friday...it ended up pretty much just being "actual hanging out". We went to Friday's (where I had the best soup EVER and a waiter with some serious stinkiness issues) and then to see "Along Came Polly" which was just about as bad as I thought it would be. However, the previews lead to some future scheduled viewing and I may eat my words for saying this, but the remake of "Dawn of the Dead" doesn't really look that bad. But it will be. I slept over at the Switch Shack and headed out bright-n-early for family fun.

Things I procured during our shopping trip due to still being in a state of mourning and grief: a hair dryer, a straightening iron, a pair of socks, a pair of BAD ASS cowboy pajama pants, a shirt with sexual references to oysters on it, a HUGE book of Mad Libs, and the All-Thumbs box set. Though these things are fantastic (especially the jammies which I might NEVER take off), they don't exactly do their duty of filling the hole that's maifested inside me. It's not getting any smaller...but at least it's no longer getting any bigger. As a slightly older and less sexy Alec Baldwin would say, "Good Things".

Swingin' Neckbreakers ROCKED! Even better the second time around, fellas, and I'm sure the company of Swictch, Meg-Dog, and Brodie helped put that luscious red cherry on top. I don't want to do a whole show review so I'll just tell you that they were so INCREDIBLE and I honestly wish "he" was there, even if not with me, just to see how damn rad they were! Things I also learned at the show: the mod haircut should be over...along with the mods. If you don't udnerstand what this means, ask me and I will give you a horrible description. Swingin' Neckbreakers really ripped through their share of covers and that's when my dancin' shoes came to life. Selected covers were:

"I Wanna Be Your Driver" --- Chuck Berry
"Get Down On Your Knees" --- Underdogs
"Thinkin' Man's Girl" --- Lord Luther
"Boss Hoss" --- Sonics
"It's Not Easy" --- Rolling Stones
"The Girl Can't Dance" --- Bunker Hill
"Look Away" --- Tempests
"Don't You Just Know It" --- Huey 'Piano' Smith & His Clowns
"Good Good Lovin'" --- James Brown

There may have been more but that's what I remember. I also remembered through vivid flashbacks what it's like to go to Denny's late at night and eat breakfest food while a cop stares at you because you have funny hair and metal in your face. I ate as peaceful as pie and minded my own business. No "fake flirting" of any kind took place by anyone anywhere through the whole evening and I have to think that that was for the best. I spent another evening at the Switch Shack trying to ignore the utter annoyance of Larry David and his Seinfeld-inspiring voice. Shivers...right up the spine!

So here I am at home longing for a nap but I eventually have to get motivated for my Rock-n-Roll Purgatory obligations (gathering clothes, shoes, underwear, making myself all pertied up, y'all...it's hard work). I think I have some time to catch a few winks...I just can't forget to fit in a little body hair removal as no one wants a hairy cover girl, right? The new and utterly fantastic blog should be introducing itself soon enough so once again, stay tuned! OH! QUEEN B COMES TOMORROW! Anyone who wants to celebrate her return back to where she belongs, and I mean anyone...as long as you celebrate her magnificent power over all of us...be at the Loft circa 7:30 and wear your party hats (but not REAL hats because all hats are pretty much a mistake from the conception of purchase), or at least muster up some good conversation for Hell's sake!

19 days until my BIRTHDAY! 18 days until my FIESTA!

16 January 2004---2:49p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Kinks "I Took My Baby Home"

HOT FIREY DAMN, I have ants in my pants! Is it Saturday YET!?!? I want to see Swingin' Neckbreakers and I want to see them NOW and I want them to do a majority of covers during their set!!! This stupid waiting is making me go BERZERK physically and mentally! I can't stop dancing to Bon Jovi (wink, wink, y'all) and The Kinks and I actually have the desire to work out for the second time today!! I feel so anxious to get out and I've only been home for 5 minutes (thanks to yet another lunch date with Meg-Dog)!! I love the weekend, have I mentioned that? Especially busy weekends where I get to where fancy duds! What do you know...still warm, the blood that flows in these veins!

Our bahamas party ship has an ice skating rink!!! I'm going to skate...and fall..and look like a battered woman in a bikini!! YEEHAW MOTHERTRUCKERS! (*bikini comes POST-ice skating).

I had a marriage proposal of sorts this morning. I've recently learned through the fascinating weapon that is Friendster that in 5 years, Little Pete Yorko from Lords of the Highway is going to marry me. At least I know that I have future plans and that he will be easily entertained by my future traveling sock puppet show, "The Vomitting Rock-n-Roll Spoon Men".

21 days until my birthday (20 days until my birthday rock fiesta!). I love my birthday more than anything in this wide world. Get out your shagging shoes!

If you didn't already know, I sustained a rather severe injury to my right hand a while back via an out-of-control slamming door. It is getting to an awkward phase where I can finally make my hand into a proper fist but the healing wounds are starting to ITCH and get all pink along the perimeter. Injuries make a person tuff...I didn't even cry let alone care. I did care when upon forgetting that I now lock my front door, I walked face first into it on my way in from out. I am so dim, I don't know how most people ever hang out with me!

If I type basic words like "books" or "cruise" on my blog since I got my new computer, it sometimes automatically turnes them into links. WHAT NERVE!

15 January 2004---3:04p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Meteors "Wrecking Crew"

I have an interview for an internship in a week! Man, am I jazzed! This is something that could give me some great, resume building experience and even lead to a staff position! The last thing I want to do is stay in this crummy, backwater town when I could be livin' it up Clevo-style...but I would love to have this job. I could feel good about myself for working this job. Everybody keep your fingers, toes, and extra long genitals crossed for me on the 26th. If something amazing happened to me...well, I could really use that right now.

And on the Va-Va-Voom Meter, I am heading to Rock-n-Roll Purgatory Headquarters on Sunday for a little frisky photo shoot equipped with beer, me in my underwear, and most importanty, TURKEY!?!? Meg-Dog is going to be my chaperone but if I have to get into "my altogether", she is covering her eyes. Will I be able to do this? She reminded me that I had absolutely no qualms about stripping my clothes off on the beach but I had to remind her that that was high school, I weighed 5 pounds, and I was chronically "impaired".

Speaking of 5 pounds, I have been alerted that with my recent pound dropping, my jugs have shrunk. How do you like them apples? And I just bought new lingerie!!!

14 January 2004---4:51p

Here for everyone's enjoyment and my personal torment is a poem about the impending doom that is the horrific blood-soaked demise of my relationship. It was written by a friend so that makes it all the more hilarious...and all the more true!

Secret Marriage, Secret Divorce...of DOOM!!!
By: Robert Kent Carpenter

Take this my wooden heart!
It's all I have left.
You already broke my taco shell...BASTARD!!!!!!!!!
And I can't find the sour cream.
For the time for adding toppings is past.
From now on it's ten rounds
Of bare knucle boxing.
And no sweet, sweet bikini clad ring-girls either.
Just fat sweaty man tits.
My GOD! They're full of milk!
Man milk.
Sour, salty man milk.
Fortified with DOOM...
...DOOM!!!!
But it beats eating alone.

Thank you, Bob. You are and always will be an incredible talent, especially when it comes to matters of me being personally fucked over. This will be my favorite poem for all of eternity.

14 January 2004---1:33p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Lee Rocker "Bulletproof"

It's been 2 weeks since Vampira "got lost". It's been 1 week since you-know-who "lost his mind". I knew I would have to commemorate these events at least once.

I've decided, after much thought and realization that she isn't coming back and he doesn't want to come back, that I have to face facts and just grieve. I have to just let go of what once was and get on with my life. I will mostly be grieving for Vampira (whom I haven't had a real, long, good cry over yet) because she didn't ask for any of this. She probably thought she was taking a nice, warm and secluded nap, only to be wisked away to a mysterious, cold neighborhood. I loved her...and maybe she never knew.

R.I.P. Vampira Potato Pancake Terry. 12/24/98 - 12/31/03
Sail away from the sirens when the light goes black. With head on hands, in name and blood. Every time I put my oars in your water, I do it for the sailors who have no grave but the sea.

13 January 2004---1:58p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: James Brown "Good Good Lovin".

I have a REALLY funny story about Bon Jovi but no one is going to hear it because it is incriminating. I could see it coming back to haunt me in the not too distant future. Only one lone soul knows so if anyone else finds out, I'll know who to crucify!!!

I will have a new blog soon. Same info., but at a different site with a different look. Details to come.

I bought a ticket to Lee Rocker last night. Just one. Just for me. I did this for two reasons: first, I've been bugging everybody to do about one million different things with me recently and I refuse to try to bully someone into a show I'm not even sure will be any good. And second, I think it will be a test of strength and character to go alone. I'll only have myself to depend on for a good time and I won't have anyone to hide behind. I'll have no choice but to put myself out there. He was a Stray Cat...I've got to see him, simple as that, and now's the time.

Switchblade and I have a fake date on Friday: dinner and movie but no touchy-feely without a carafe of pure Russian Vodka first.

Fun with deifnitions!!!!!

fake crush: a fake crush is someone that you don't really have a crush on but has some sort of potential or good qualities so you pretend to have a crush on them in order to keep yourself busy or keep your mind off other things. My mom just got killed in a boating accident but seeing my fake crush in that red shirt is helping me feel more at ease about it!

fake flirting: fake flirting is just like actual flirting but you don't want to admit you're flirting for one reason or another OR you really don't want ANYTHING to come of it after the flirting has stopped. I'm going to fake flirt with that guy over there so I have something to do.

It is always a good idea to "fake flirt" with a "fake crush" because then the events will never have actually taken place in reality.

12 January 2004---9:25p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Catholic Boys "s/t"

I think a part of me has officially given up hope and stopped caring about this whole silly mess. What the Hell am I holding on to hope for? Someone who doesn't even want me anyway? I'm walking on egg shells for too many people and I'm not exactly the delicate flower type that should even be attempting that feat! I thought that as long as I held a positive outlook in my heart that there would be a chance but I'm tired of looking and feeling like a fool. Foolishness is for the birds, man.

If suffering a person crisis means I get to spend this much time with The Knife, bring on THE PLAGUE, MAMA! Leprosy? Gout? Maybe I should throw in some non-medical nastiness...um, death in the family? Arrest? Audit? I feel like the luckiest hillbilly princess in all of Ohiya!

I am OBSESSED with the song "I Took My Baby Home" by The Kinks!!! If you haven't heard it, make a point to hear it right this very second!! Songs that stop in spots for a drum and lyric bit make me want to dance and nothing refreshes the soul like a good dance around the room in your underwear! Let's put the theory to the test...YES!!! And God bless you, Ray Davies, for being shot in the leg! You're tough and you make me want to D-A-N-C-E!! And man, you're lucky for having a girl that has "pile-drivin' kisses". I plan to put those in my repetoire one day! Point is, Swingin' Neckbreakers cover it and I'll have to rock the FUCK OUT if they do it on Saturday!!!

Had lunch with Meg-Dog today and realized that I know nothing about Mexican cuisine. Either way, it was delicious and fun and good to get out of the house and trash talk with a female member of my crew. It will be a triple threat when Queen B is back in town. Good times, y'all!

There was this band from Parma called Penfold (there is also a more famous band with the same name) and they had a ska-ish song called "Dukes of Hazzard" and I think I would actually consider paying .00 to hear it right now. .00 to hear "Beer, Beer, and 15 Year Olds" by Grand Prixx. I feel like throwing money in the air like confetti. Canceling the cable tomorrow (no sweat, I'm getting DSL and television is for unmotivated suckers anyway) will provide me with more of the green stuff to treat with utter disregard.

How did this get so long? I was just killin' time before The Gauntlet came on (ignore the bad things I said about television). Better do my Kinks underwear dance one more time!

12 January 2004---11:06a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Demented Are Go "Live and Rockin"

So much great news with so little time to celebrate:

1. Queen B is coming to visit next Monday! Loft, here we come!
2. I'm up for an Applied Conflict Management internship!
3. I may be on the cover of the next Rock-n-Roll Purgatory!
4. The Reatards are reuniting to play on May 15th in Chicago!!!
5. They Might Be Giants were voices on "Home Movies" last night!
6. 25 days until I'm 25!

Bad news to cancel out good news:

1. Vampira still hasn't made her way home...sigh.
2. "He" still hasn't made his way home...sigh.

Middle of the road mish-mash that counts for nothing:

I really wanted to see "Big Fish", "Kill Bill Vol.2" and Hank III with "him" (plus he owed me a They Might Be Giants show) so now I'm dateless, not to mention slightly crabby.

But I'm going strong with POSITIVE 4!!!!!

11 January 2004---10:04p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Pagans "Shit Street".

My new computer (Sexy Sadie) is so boss that she makes Bruce Springsteen look like a shmo! There isn't ANYTHING this machine can't do outside of building and delivering a pipe bomb! She even taped some television for me while I was out and looked pretty while doing it. She's tits, man. Now you want to hear something that's the utter PITS? I took apart my old, worthless, nasty computer while Devil Dogs "30 Sizzlin' Slabs" was still inside! That's the pits, man. PITS!

"He" bought me a new printer to do a kind gesture where I was concerned (or out of guilt, take your pick). It also falls under the category of "boss" and I will call it Inignot. I already had a printer since my folks splurged for the whole kit-n-caboodle to try and ease my pain with some retail therapy but I'm going with this one. I'm only going with things that are boss from now on and besides, it means something to me...makes me sentimental and junk.

However, a little tiny bleeping thing attached to a cord came with the whole set-up...and it has no use or purpose. It just lights up and exists no where in the manual. The Knife was dead set it was a microphone. I think it's a government bug. I shouldn't talk about it anymore.

Backtracking a bit, I returned to town Friday night where I planned to spend time with my family for some comfort but ended up back here to survey the post-break-up damage. Very empty (he even took CLUE! We never even got to PLAY IT! And who will I play Rummy with? ARGH!) as I suspected but things have been remedied since The Knife was oh-so kind to come over and help me make my computer room into my bedroom and vice versa...fresh start, there were too many memories in our bed and in our room. Since, I can't do heavy lifting...or light lifting...or any manual labor, I appreicated the help hardcore to the max but it's going to be weird sleeping in a new room, on new sheets, under a new comforter, watching a new DVD player. I'm kind of afraid. I wish Sweater Ted were here. He'd know what to do. ONWARD!

So I had a hard time Friday night and made plans to spend more time with my family on Saturday (hence the new computer and some spiffy new shoes not to mention a cat hat that I think looks totally tubular, if not utterly ricockulous, on me...my mom insisted I have it), which I did all day. It was comforting and soothing but then my sister tried to cancel my wedding dress order. It was all I could do not to cry again so I hightailed it out of there. And what did I do? I made The Knife go to the mall with me to spend obscene amounts of money on shirts that showcase my clevage. He is like my new "girlfriend". He (and Switchblde, too...my other "girlfriend") helped me looked top notch for my night out on the town. You can dress her up but you can't take her out, that's what they say.

Switchblade and I got gussied up and started at the Loft, followed by a way crowded and rockin' show at the Lime Spider. Rather than go into long and gorey details, I'll just highlight some junk: I was having a good time (eventhough I could tell people were pitying me and I realized that I no longer had a "+1" where guest lists are concerned) and Pete "Everything's Better With Gravy" Yorko dedicated a song to "our little girl Lacey" and pointed his drum sticks at me. I dig that. "He" used to do it when "he" was a rocker. Then I got 2 more dedication due to my failed relationship and was put back out on the market for all the nasties there, I suppose (I did get hit on but it doesn't count and I didn't care) which I thought was pretty gosh dern funny so I tried to live it up and rock out. Only when everything was said and I done...pits city. I went to say my good-byes and was given some words of encouragement...Sugar said her life honestly started after her divorce...and then I cried and told her I was hurting and could also use some helpful advice on how to keep my chin up. How embarrasing. How NOT rocker. But now I know that people see and respect my side of and perspective on things. I also learned I have loyal friends. I also learned that a gal can have an intimate relationship with Clyde the Chicken (he wants my love) and that some people think I am 18, 19, or 20 at the most. I didn't have to sleep alone last night...I had Senor Don Gato, Viva La Bam, and a very, VERY drunk Switchblade sharing the bed in a past out fashion. So all in all, I don't know if I had a good time or not but people thought it was good that I was there wearing a positive rockin' attitude which will also accompany me to the Swingin' Neckbreakers. I really wanted "him" to see them with me. ANYWAY...

Got up, got out, got the Knife, spent money, manual labor...you get the point. It's been a busy day...a buys week, really. School starts tomorrow but I don't know if I'm ready. I could take some baby steps to reclaim my rock-n-roll lifestyle but I don't know about jumping right into something that affects my future hardcore so fast. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll have to play it by ear. I'm sure I won't be able to focus but I'll get an A+ for effort, right? And Sexy Sadie will be waiting for me to play with her when I get home. And if I feel like shit, I can just climb into my big bed in my new room under my new sheets and sleep all day, right? Chin up, young person.

I have Eminem shot glasses and you don't.

And guess who might be on the cover of the next Rock-n-Roll Purgatory, scantilly clad and holding some heavy artillary? More info. to come in the next week and a half. This will be one for framing, kids. Mothers, lock up your sons!!!

9 January 2003---10:06a
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: They Might Be Giants "Live In LA"

As you may have noticed, we're had a little bit of a face-lift since last night. Sucked out a little bit of fat to leave a much more appealing surface. No body likes grotesque deformaties and fat pockets so...WHOOSH! Erased like a bad tattoo!

But seriously fellas, everybody knows what's going on. You all know that "he" left me, so what's the point of crying my poor little eyes out and ranting and raving on this bad-ass page every minute of the day? You only need to know the facts. I can cry in private (and it's already gone down considerably since last night).

So you want some facts? I just learned that "he" didn't really leave me due to a gut feeling but because I'm not the girl he fell in love with. HORSE PUCKEY, that's what I say! I had a rough time, it's true. Everyone does in their life and if you don't realize it, you're a F-O-O-L. But I'm over all that junk now and I'm ready to go out there and have one rockin' and rollin' time! I've got shows lined up from now until the end of February so I'm taking the S.S. SEXY out on the town, y'all!. "He" is going to miss the girl I used to be even more when I'm out there livng it up. You know, there were times when I wasn't so especially happy but I loved "him" for who he was, faults and all. Right there, I think that makes me a pretty strong charcter.

Do I still miss him and love him? OF COURSE. Do you think I'd put myself through all this mental anguish if I didn't. And I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be hurting everyday. But I need to stop crying and get on with my life. I don't know how he's going to see that I really am the girl he fell in love with and more when he's not around me but I think I'll be happy anyway just spending some time in my old skin. I am a rocker above all else and rockers SURVIVE (or they die young, take your pick)!

Wooooooooooo! I'm feeling pretty good, or at least better. Still have a significant knot in my stomach but a little of that faith and hope I was lacking have been restored. I'm going to go to an expensive yet FOXY store and buy something foxy to wear to the Lords of the Highway show tomorrow. Just because I don't feel top notch on the inside doesn't mean I can't look like I was born in Fox City on the outside. I used to get dolled up every single day and I felt better about myself then...and I did it for me and not anybody else! No granny panties in my dresser drawer! RETURN OF THE LIVING WARDROBE!

And just to leave everyone will some nasty, perverted, but super sexy visual imagery, I am going to submit some photos to the Rock-n-Roll Purgatory pin-up page. The Knife is going to help me because he knows what he (and most likely other manimals) likes in a pin-up gal and he's seen me scantily clad or flat out NEKKID one time or another. I have to get some Fox City vintage lingerie and junk to wear. Time to bust out the fake pearls and martinis, y'all!!!

5 January 2004---12:15p
MUSIC TO BLOG BY: Teengenerate "Get Action!"

I still have my chin pointing high at the sky eventhough I have just entered Day 8 of being sick!! And what has christened Day 8? A FEVER!! I thought those came at the beginning of the illness! But NO! Here it is, Day 8, and I have a 101 degree fever, a slimy cough, a throbbing headache, and partial hearing loss which makes every band I listened to FUZZY! But am I complaining? Not really. The illness has become a part of me, I guess.

Though I'm trying to keep a positive mental attitude, it's hard when the cat you've had forever has now been missing for 6 days...out in the cold and wet, all alone and confused. I keep thinking that wherever she is, she's wondering why I'm doing this to her. I can't stand it...my heart, which is BARELY in a state of repair from events taking place during December, is aching. I am the worst Cat-Mom in the world. So my fever and I are going to hang up fliers. I can think of nothing more depressing. The fliers read:

MISSING

FEMALE CAT
LIGHT GRAY WITH YELLOW EYES
5 YEARS OLD
~10 POUNDS (BIG BELLY)

---missing since 12/31 in the Kent/Ravenna area.
---neutered and has front and back claws.
---answers to "Vampira".
---is easily frightened and hard to catch.

IF YOU HAVE SEEN HER, PLEASE CALL XXXXX OR XXXX @ XXX-XXX-XXXX.

So that's how my day is shaping up. Lowsy topped with more lowsiness. And this weekend wasn't a real kicker either. I've been sitting around at home for what seems like an eternity and that was followed up with sitting at Andy's house, sitting at the bar, and more sitting at my own house. YAWN! At least yesterday I got to walk around the bookstore (and buy 3 books!!!) and walk around the mall (buying 1 super SUPER cheap rock-n-roll dress!!) Blech.

This entry is boring which has probably been caused by my unending boredom. Someone, PLEASE, cure my boredom this weekend. I was going to go to LOTH but I need to save my pennies for the Swingin' Neckbreakers! Enough rambling...as you know, I have a few sad hours of posting fliers ahead of me. Sigh...

2 January 2004---12:09p
MUSIC TO BLOG TO: Metric "Old World Underground, Where Are you Now?"

Yikes! Stripes! I just got a strong reality check about one of my so-called "friendships". Sheeesh! I could have gone nutty and stuff (as I was planning to) but Pirate helped me put the "roll off my back" policy into effect and DAMN, it feels good. It even feels sort of s-e-x-x-y! It's only day 2 of the new year and I already feel 13% improved! HOORAY! God, I love my life, despite some of the set backs I've encounteered over the years. I like me for me and so do plenty of other people and that feels about as good as a frozen margarita on a sunny day!! I love you 2004! I even love the Yutz that attempted to diss me today because, yes siree, this is going to be a beautiful day (it would be even more fabulous if Vampira came home)! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Duran Duran to rock out to.

P.S. I forgot to salute the royal couple of the 2003/2004 Rock-n-Roll Prom, King Dancin' Andy and Queen Meg-Dog! Long may you reign!

1 January 2004---11:25a
HAPPY NEW YEAR, Y'ALL!!!

After re-reading, this entry isn't particularly entertaining, witty, or funny, but it's honest. I would also like to add that in reflection upon past entries, I still think "Captain Cheerleader and the Lickity Splits" would be a good band name. End transmision.

So maybe my whole New Year's Eve celebration didn't start off on the right foot. I'm going to try to not let that get me down. See, these women came and picked up my old couch which was just sucking up space and they were delivering it to a neighboring town. After driving with the couch in the back of their truck, they unloaded it only to have my precious cat Vampira jump out and run away. She must have been hiding out inside somewhere. Now my poor baby is lost miles away from home. Pirate went and looked around for her, gave our number to some people in case they see her, but I have little hope. Everyone keeps encouraging me that she'll find her way back home as cats are quite resourceful. Again, I have doubts laced with minimal hope. But though I may not want to believe it, my Mom said that someone will end up taking her in and loving her which should make me happier than if she became a cat pancake on the road. Still...I want her back. I am heartbroken and wished I had paid more attention to her on a daily basis. At least I gave her a can of salmon on her birthday. I had her for 5 years. I love you, Vampira Potato Pancake, wherever you are...time to cry.

Outside of that, I had a good evening with the circumstances being as they were. It was cool to be around close friends, old friends, and new friends, food, drinks, and music. It wasn't quite as "party-ish" as most of my gatherings (no puking, spilling, wrecking, fighting, etc.) but it was still pretty fun and relaxing which is what I needed since I'm still fighting this nasty cold (alcohol, even in small amounts, masks symptoms of illness. You will STILL wake up with a cold). Everyone dressed up (Piarte looked SMASHING...I like him in a tie) and we snapped some funny pictures. I got three kisses from my him at midnight (and some people were dazzled at teh sight of his testicles...it's hard to explain while not being hard at all) which seemed like a really good way to start off a new year after a really Hellishly pukey year that I want to bury. Some people think it's lame to make resolutions since very few people ever stick to them so I'm just going to vow to ATTEMPT to do the following:

-Paint more and start preparing for Art In the Park.
-Take better care and be more appreciative of my relationship with Pirate.
-Read all the books on my book club list.
-Be more open to new experiences and people.
-Let things roll off my back.
-Play my accordian.

I'll have to report back to you in 2005 to let you know how all of that went. I have really high hopes and think I'll be a better person for it all around. Looking back on last years "resolutions" (and as previously mentioned, we're throwing that term straight out the window for all of eternity), I see that I did NOT start "The Blood Buckets" with Brodie and Pirate, I did NOT learn to write left handed, I did NOT start a new 'zine (I'm anti-'zine now anyway), and I crapped out on my sketchbook after a week. How lame am I? I will not follow in these footsteps in 2004 which is going to be the most rockin' year EVER! Did you hear THAT!?!? EVER! Piss on you, 2003!

So in conclusion of this first entry of the new year, I would like to thank everyone who toughed out 2003 with me. I've met a lot of awesome people and learned to appreciate the awesome people I already knew even more. You guys are rad and you should celebrate that fact. This has been a rough year, all joking aside, and I know I would not have made it through without the cool people I choose to surround myself with. And a special thank you to Pirate, Switchblade, Meg-Dog, Tony Rocky Horror, Dancin' Andy, Little Erin, and Brodie for setting off those annoying little popper things with me at midnight. It ruled!!

HAPPY 2004 Y'ALL!!!